Ideas
20 ideas
- concerning
The Annual Friendship Performance Review
Review their year as your friend. Competencies, ratings, a signature line. Overall rating: Valued Contributor.
- concerning
Certificate of Friendship Probation
Put your friend on probation with a framed certificate. The terms are on file. The file is not available.
- annoying
Certificate of Completion
A certificate congratulating them on completing. The sentence ends there. Suitable for framing.
- annoying
Certified Email Guy
Certify your coworker as a Certified Email Guy. Delivered by email, subject line: Quick follow-up.
- annoying
Diploma in Advanced Reply-All Studies
Confer an advanced degree in replying to all. Full rights, honors, and a transcript on request.
- concerning
Employee of the Month: The Friend Who Made It Weird
Give your friend Employee of the Month. The category is Made It Weird. The photo is the one from the directory.
- concerning
Q3 Friendship Quarterly Report
A bound, stakeholder-grade quarterly report on the friendship. Q3 came in soft. The fundamentals are excellent and unmonetizable.
- concerning
Greg's Golf Performance Review
A written review of Greg's golf, compiled from the seat beside him in the cart. Greg is retained.
- annoying
Unsolicited Grill Opinions Membership Card
A wallet card confirming membership in good standing. He didn't apply. The Association doesn't take applications.
- annoying
Institute for Advanced Lawn Opinions Accreditation
Accredit your father's lawn opinions. Not the lawn — the opinions. They were found to be advanced.
- annoying
Licensed Indoor Goblin
A framed license certifying your roommate a registered Indoor Goblin, Class C, endorsements as observed.
- annoying
Commemorative Plaque for a Trivial Milestone
A cast bronze plaque marking the night he made pasta from scratch. It has not happened since.
- concerning
Certificate: Association of Men Who Own One Smoker
Charter membership, conferred for owning exactly one smoker and mentioning it on 214 documented occasions.
- annoying
I Paused My Podcast to Be Here
A bronze marker commemorating the sacrifice. Thirty-four minutes remained. He mentioned it three times.
- concerning
Performance Improvement Plan: Social Awareness
A thirty-day plan to improve your friend's social awareness. The incidents are dated. Dates are what separate a record from a grievance.
- concerning
Pitmaster Quarterly Cover
Put him on the cover of Pitmaster Quarterly. He was never interviewed. He was simply audible.
- annoying
Entry in the National Registry of Guys Named Greg
Notice of enrollment in the National Registry of Guys Named Greg. He was not consulted. Being Greg was enough.
- annoying
Spreadsheet Energy at Casual Events
The Department's highest casual honor, for bringing spreadsheet energy to events that requested none.
- concerning
The Label Maker Program
House-sit for a friend and label every object with its plain, correct name. You were the only one with a key.
- concerning
The Museum Loan
Borrow their worst spoon. Three months later it comes back framed, behind glass, cited by full legal name.