The Label Maker Program
House-sit for a friend and label every object with its plain, correct name. You were the only one with a key.
- Severity
- Concerning
- Date
- July 12, 2026
- Cost
- $
- Effort
- Significant
- Forgiveness window
- one room per day
The next time you house-sit for a friend, label everything. Every object on the premises gets a small printed label bearing its plain, correct name. LAMP. DOOR. SMALLER DOOR. The refrigerator gets REFRIGERATOR. The magnet holding that label gets MAGNET.
The standard is accuracy, and it's strict. A clever label invites a reply; a lamp labeled LAMP does not. No wit. Names only.
Bring one label maker and more cartridge than seems reasonable — a home holds somewhere between four hundred and four thousand objects, and the count always runs high. Bring the charger. Do every other duty to the letter, too: collect the mail, water the plants as agreed. The plants are labeled PLANT.
They come home to a house where nothing is missing, nothing is moved, and everything is named. The work reveals itself one object at a time, for weeks — a COASTER here, a THERMOSTAT there — and you were the only person with a key, which the labels do nothing to hide.
Close out by leaving the unused labels in the junk drawer. The junk drawer is labeled JUNK DRAWER. You did all of it because they trusted you with the key, and this is what you do with trust.
Make It Worse
- Label the interiors as well: drawers, shelves, the inside of the medicine cabinet
- Upgrade one object to a full museum placard, with medium and approximate date
- Place a single label reading YOU ARE HERE on the hallway mirror
- Months later, mail one replacement label reading LAMP, with no cover letter