Certificate of Friendship Probation

Put your friend on probation. Not a joke probation — a framed, gilt-bordered, embossed-seal certificate that put them there, produced to the standard of a genuine commendation. Heavyweight cream stock. Two witnessed signatures. The words BE IT KNOWN in a typeface that has never once been used casually.

Fill in every field a certificate can have. Their name, correct and in full. Date of issue. A certificate number. What you leave out is why, for how long, and what would count as finishing. Where those terms would go, the certificate reads:

Terms on file.

The file is not available for review. On the reverse, one line of guidance:

Probation is not a punishment. It is a period of observation.

Present it at dinner, or courier it in a document sleeve. Either way they end up holding beautifully produced proof that their standing is under review, and every question they ask about the terms only confirms that terms exist. A review has been scheduled. The date is also on file.

They'll ask what they did. You love them too much to say.