The Annual Friendship Performance Review
Review their year as your friend. Competencies, ratings, a signature line. Overall rating: Valued Contributor.
Concerning
They'll ask why you're like this. Don't answer.
Certificate of Friendship Probation
Put your friend on probation with a framed certificate. The terms are on file. The file is not available.
Employee of the Month: The Friend Who Made It Weird
Give your friend Employee of the Month. The category is Made It Weird. The photo is the one from the directory.
Q3 Friendship Quarterly Report
A bound, stakeholder-grade quarterly report on the friendship. Q3 came in soft. The fundamentals are excellent and unmonetizable.
Greg's Golf Performance Review
A written review of Greg's golf, compiled from the seat beside him in the cart. Greg is retained.
Certificate: Association of Men Who Own One Smoker
Charter membership, conferred for owning exactly one smoker and mentioning it on 214 documented occasions.
Performance Improvement Plan: Social Awareness
A thirty-day plan to improve your friend's social awareness. The incidents are dated. Dates are what separate a record from a grievance.
Pitmaster Quarterly Cover
Put him on the cover of Pitmaster Quarterly. He was never interviewed. He was simply audible.
The Label Maker Program
House-sit for a friend and label every object with its plain, correct name. You were the only one with a key.
The Museum Loan
Borrow their worst spoon. Three months later it comes back framed, behind glass, cited by full legal name.