Certificate of Completion
A certificate congratulating them on completing. The sentence ends there. Suitable for framing.
Annoying
Forgiven by Friday. Small, cheap, reversible.
Certified Email Guy
Certify your coworker as a Certified Email Guy. Delivered by email, subject line: Quick follow-up.
Diploma in Advanced Reply-All Studies
Confer an advanced degree in replying to all. Full rights, honors, and a transcript on request.
Unsolicited Grill Opinions Membership Card
A wallet card confirming membership in good standing. He didn't apply. The Association doesn't take applications.
Institute for Advanced Lawn Opinions Accreditation
Accredit your father's lawn opinions. Not the lawn — the opinions. They were found to be advanced.
Licensed Indoor Goblin
A framed license certifying your roommate a registered Indoor Goblin, Class C, endorsements as observed.
Commemorative Plaque for a Trivial Milestone
A cast bronze plaque marking the night he made pasta from scratch. It has not happened since.
I Paused My Podcast to Be Here
A bronze marker commemorating the sacrifice. Thirty-four minutes remained. He mentioned it three times.
Entry in the National Registry of Guys Named Greg
Notice of enrollment in the National Registry of Guys Named Greg. He was not consulted. Being Greg was enough.
Spreadsheet Energy at Casual Events
The Department's highest casual honor, for bringing spreadsheet energy to events that requested none.