The Loud Chewer

Submitted by a reader, decibel study attached. We read all of it.

The Incident — My partner chews. Everyone chews. She chews at a volume that has a pitch to it, and when I raised the matter gently in our first year together, I was told I was imagining it. The word "imagining" was used at dinner, over carrots.

The Response — I stopped raising the matter and commissioned a study. A friend who does live sound brought a calibrated meter to four dinners across two months. Readings were taken at arm's length over a controlled range of foods, celery and yogurt serving as the upper and lower bounds. She noticed the meter at the second dinner and kept eating, which was entered in the log as cooperation. The findings were bound — spiral, cover page, table of contents — and presented at breakfast. The conclusion states, with figures, that I was not imagining it.

The Escalation — She read the study in one sitting and disputed the yogurt methodology. The dispute was upheld; the yogurt figures were retracted. She cites the retraction constantly, most recently in front of my parents. A second edition is in preparation.

Current Friendship Status — Married anyway. The second edition is dedicated to her.